Memories vs Reflections

8 years later

This weekend, my wife and I celebrate 8 years of marriage. And, as life would have it, since it’s a big weekend for us you all get to be subjected to the reflections (and at times ramblings) of the author.

It is hard to believe we have been together for so long already; time flies when you’re having fun, as they say. We met in college; she was just 17, I was nearly 19. In fact, we have known each other so long, it is becoming hard to remember a time she was not in my life. Indeed, it will not be long now before she and I will have known each other for longer than we were alive prior to meeting.

Not that we began dating immediately, mind you. Even though that initial claritas was present from our first meeting, we both had considerable growing to do before God would bring us together. In fact, we took nearly every class together for all 4 years before we finally began dating our final semester of Senior year. We became engaged less than a year later.

You can hear my wife and I chat about the discernment process and what brought us together on Cleveland’s 1260 The Rock radio station, available through their app or on the waves. They are airing our episode tomorrow evening at 4:30, with an encore replay Wednesday morning (the 12th). In other words: I am not going to spend much more time reminiscing about the discernment process and how our paths happened to align; you can hear us chat about that on God Calling. I hope you will! But for now, I would like to actually reflect on one certain picture in our home from our early days of marriage - and why we do not choose to update it.

On our family room wall, right beside the brick fireplace you all may have seen as a photo here and there on this site, hung central to an array of other frames surrounding it like a collage or a display, is an early portrait of my wife and I. It was taken months before our second wedding anniversary. I was fresh out of Basic Combat Training and am sporting a dress uniform bedecked with no more than 4 awards, ribbons, and qualification badges combined. My wife is in a dress she no longer has, curled hair longer than she has had in a while, and her iconic smile that would bring sunshine through the clouds of Mordor. It is more than merely an “early portrait” of us: it was our first time ever being professionally photographed. And now, almost 7 years after the picture was taken, someone pointed out that it was “outdated;” I could not disagree more.

I remember well the day we went to take the pictures. At the time, I didn’t know what I was getting into. As a child, my siblings and I gifted my parents a professional photo of us taken at one of those Walmart booths as you leave the store; I thought that was pretty much what we were going to do, except going to an actual studio. It wasn’t until my wife told me to bring a change of clothes that I realized that we had booked a whole session - and that includes several hours, different locations, and costume changes. It’s a production.

I honestly don’t remember my response to this realization specifically, but looking at the picture as I type this I know that I felt it would be a day well spent. For those of you who have never met my wife, you should know two things: I married out of my league, and she is a lot of fun to be around. So, that the outing would take considerably longer than I thought it would didn’t bother me too much - although I wasn’t too keen on posing for so many pictures. She made it fun, and we’ve always loved doing events and experiences together. And so, the day dragged on, we changed outfits a few times, took some outdoor photos by a nice barn, and headed home. The typical 4x6 prints, the larger formal portrait, and their shocking price tag (I wasn’t prepared for that, either) all arrived shortly after I had shipped out for my first border rotation.

I will confess that the two people in the image are not the same people who keep in on their wall. Time and years have a way of doing that to humans, growing them up. And in this, the charge of being “outdated” perhaps stands. If the purpose of family photos is to accurately capture and display up-to-date portrayals of the family members as they are now, then the charge would definitely stand. But that is not why we hang photos.

Perhaps it would be more flattering to have an image of my new uniform with the now many colors on the chest. I have done considerable more in my career than I had on that early day, and been promoted several times. Likewise, my wife is now more accomplished now than she was then - and much more beautiful. In fact, at the risk of sounding cliche, after 8 years of marriage I can say that she is more beautiful now than she ever has been. And though I have yet to find the picture that does her justice, and there is the off-chance that updating that picture would capture some of that beauty. So I can easily see the draw to go for round two - if we were interested in showing off for some abstract visitor who may come by.

We hang pictures to remember - not reflect. When I look at the pictures in my own home, most of them are of events. I see my family hoisting my older brother at his own wedding. I see my siblings covered in mud (and someone with a snake) from that one summer with the river. I see my friends and I in a pub from college. I see my wife and I doing many things: the caverns, Panama, Brad Paisley concert, dancing, swimming, swinging, the list goes on. Each of these pictures captures the memories of an event, and the person experiencing it. We looking back on these memories can reenter the experience of the moment, remember those we were with, and once again enjoy (or at least reminisce) the stories surrounding them.

There is a minute difference between event photos and portraits. In a portrait, there is no event to remember (although you can remember the narrative leading up to and following the snap of the camera). I cannot enter into the story in the same way I can when looking at an action shot. The portrait on our wall captures my wife and I ourselves early on in our marriage - not a shared experience we had. So, while both the event photos and the portrait are both aimed at memory rather than reflection, a portrait captures life as it is in the moment of capture, while events capture or hearken to the whole of the event and the people in it.

Life is a series of events informed by the moments that have come before and forming those that will come after. To forget your origins and your roots is to lose yourself to the wheels of impersonal utility. But more than that: the struggles and trials that have worn you down can eclipse your ability to learn and grow if you cannot remember the sunlight. And that is precisely what this portrait of my wife and I has done.

Looking at it now, there is a sharp contrast between our faces in light of the struggles we have endured vs the faces of those who have yet to see life. And when life in this valley of tears seems a bit larger than reality, the temptation can be to see struggle and hardship as the only real thing in life. Keeping hold of the glimpses of our origins and early memories keeps us grounded and orients us through the storm, all while allowing us to grow in the face of new and unimagined hardships. In other words, it is important that we remember so that we can forge ahead.

Now I will be honest: I personally do not think this is one of my better articles. Some of the reflections are undeveloped: the line about remembering vs. reflection is, by itself, something I would love to spend more time on and flesh out with greater detail. But more than that, the overarching subject matter is something uncommunicable to the larger audience. I am trying to talk about my marriage and let you into a glimpse of 8 years of life seen through the lens of those who lived it, without actually letting you live it. It is almost impossible to do that for the most straightforward of lives; it is that much harder when you are trying to communicate life as a married couple. And I’m actually OK with that. There are just some things that belong to those living that life, and I have been blessed to find the only Mrs. with which such a life has been possible.

To those of you married much longer than I: pray for us, and reach out to us with your wisdom. We’re right behind you and aspire to the longevity and fidelity you have demonstrated to the world. To those just married: take pictures, make memories, and remember who you were when you first set out. Do not let the storms of life rock your ship. And to those of you single and contemplating whether marriage is for you at all, prioritize discernment. Go hang out with eligible people! You cannot discern through abstract thought and prayer alone. Pray, spend time with Christ, but then start running in a direction! He will guide you and change your path when needed.

I guess with that, I will bring this rambling reflection to a close. My wife is ready for our ritual of morning coffee, and I am ready to start this next year with her. God bless you all for making it through this article, which as it turns out was more for me this time than it was for you. “Talk” to you on Thursday.

Have you read Remembering Freedom yet? It is a book for the modern defender of truth. Designed to be both engaging and practical, this book articulates abstract concepts while providing real-life stories from married life, military deployments, and more to illustrate how “abstract” things look in the real world. If you are looking to enter into discussions, or if you find yourself wondering how on earth we got to the point we are at now, Remembering Freedom is the book for you.